Currently battling with a bastard of an application form so thought I'd take two minutes out to list whats going on in my life Swedish wise, as I noticed that theres been very little reporting of that in the last few entries (this is also inspired by looking back at the last few years (holy shit! how did that happen, where the fuck did they go!) and it being kind of cool to be reminded about stuff I'd otherwise forgotten).

Thus (and no particular order):

New swedish class (lots of polish people (complaining about Swedish racism), the girl who came back from the summer with new teeth and better skin and suddenly looks beautiful (and acts much happier and more confident too, very cool), Liberian chap whose hero is Sidney Poiter and my teacher suggesting swedish horror novels to me (which is actually rather good, though i have to read it about 1 page every 5 minutes (this is not because its scary, but rather that its in my second language)).

Becoming more confident with talking Swedish to people - though sick of people telling me I speak good Swedish when it takes me about five minutes to ask directions to the local bordello.

Being able, almost, to front and back wheel pivot up a set of stairs on my bike. All those hours in the wood at Båstad, and the times spent lying on my back seeing stars, seem to be paying off.

Changing the cars tyres to the metal studded winter ones (most amusing, wasted my shoulders as I only had the tiny little tyre iron which comes with the car).

Got past the tough stage with the three headed dogs in 'God of War'.

Finally watched Star Wars III, the revenge of the shit.

Cooked a tasteless curry, some utterly meaningless pumpkin pies and then redeemed myself with a kick ass curry.

More will return I'm sure but now I feel the sudden urge to return to my application. Bon voyage!

Whilst thinking about stuff it suddenly occured to me to look at what I was blogging about in previous novembers in Sweden.

Thus: November 20ish in 2004, I was awaiting the arrival of E - no surprise there, given that its his birthday this week. Looking at that month, which was unsusprisingly sparse, I see I was beginning to rant about 'intelligent design' (or 'fucking dangerous bullshit pseudoscience' as I like to call it in polite company these days), talking about building my own PC (still talk, no trousers) and had just discovered Jons Jail Journal. One of the flash sites I thought was cool then, is even cooler now: Alexis Trépanier

and t'was ever thus: November 20th in 2005. No actual entry for the 20th as it seems I was shitting through the eye of a needle, as they say. Lovely. And in november last year I started worrying about the coming oil crisis, gosh, I do worry a lot. I also see that in 8 days time, last year, I will fuck up the second interview for a job with a 5 year contract, rats cocks. Golly, it seems like yesterday that I read the books I rabbited on about, 'Bone' still being the best. Still insane: Survival Research Laboratories. I must do the statistics thing again....but now I am tired and you, I expect, are bored.

Pan's Labyrinth News Guardian Unlimited Film....nice.

'An oasis of clear thinking', hmm, I think I'll take two thanks - RichardDawkins.net - The Richard Dawkins Foundation for Reason and Science. So, whats up? Me, I've been doing some proofreading (paid work, now theres a fucking noveltly)...oh, hold on, the Simpsons are on - its about the only TV programme I trust these days. Must dash.

Guardian Unlimited Video Sean Smith in Iraq

Gosh. Intervention in Iraq 'pretty much of a disaster' admits Blair, as minister calls it his 'big mistake' Special Reports Guardian Unlimited Politics: "Tony Blair conceded last night that western intervention in Iraq had been a disaster."

James Randi's Swift - November 17, 2006: Comedian Paula Poundstone reports that the state of Kansas has a new approach to their science curriculum. Says Paula:
"They're not going to teach science at all. What they do is take the science students down to the lake, tie them in burlap sacks, and throw them in. If God thinks they're good science students, they float."

Got pointed in the direction of this blog entry where the blogger has scanned in pages from womens magazines from days gone by - - A Hole in the Head, one of the articles mentions 'he lost his leg in a boiler accident', presumably something which could happen on any given saturday night in the Bigg Market in Newcastle. As the blogger says, they are kind of tragic. Seeing the photograph of the lady with the collection of ceramic toothpick holders reminds me of the '70s where no home was complete without a thimble collection.

Life goes on. Weirdly, so does autumn as the temperature leaps back from hovering around zero to 10-15 degrees, a record for this part of Sweden. One of the many local free rags (other than metro, we have City and .SE) was extolling us to throw away our gloves and get out sunbathing. Yeah, right.

Reading: Eats shoots and leaves (grammar rant), Hellblazer, Transmetropolitan, Fables and other assorted comic book goodies from the local library.

and continuing my theme of educational documents and revealing disclosures here the news about eh WMD dossier, it was written by a spin doctor - no surprise there thenComment is free: The freedom of the press officer.

Going off to blighty to visit the ancestral pile before its sold - time to reminisce and
wander the corridors of my youth before someone tears them down and covers them with floc wallpaper.

Three documents to ponder:

WWF Ecological Footprint - basically, we're fucked by 2050.
Stern Review on the Economics of climate change - if we don't spend the cash, we're even more fucked
50 years left for wild fish - if you're a fish, you're fucked

and then ask, why isn't your elected government doing a little bit more about this?

and something which personally annoys me: James Randi's Swift - November 3, 2006: "In September, the MHRA introduced rules to allow homeopaths to specify the ailments for which their “remedies” can be used, without the need of any supporting evidence. The Royal College of Pathologists, the Medical Research Council, the BioSciences Federation, the Physiological Society, the British Pharmacological Society, the Society for Applied Microbiology, the Royal Society the Academy of Medical Sciences, along with four other national societies are alarmed that claims can now be made about efficacy of these products without rigorous and objective evidence. It appears that this MHRA decision is in surrender to powerful pressures brought about by the quackery industry."

Given that in a previous job I had to jump through various hoops for the MHRA this is particularly galling.

Strange Sweden Fact: stop me if I've mentioned this before but why, on the weather forecast, do they only ever say what the weather will be like after 1300 hours. If I have mentioned this before, why have I not found out?
Trivia: It snowed the other day, the temperatures hanging around zero. brrr.

Peurile and poor toilet humour.

There's many dangers associated with living in the urban environment, stray bullets, sexually charged cats and uneven paving stones to name but a few but one of the worst, or at least most faux pauey, in my mind, is the sometimes horrifying glimpses into other peoples lives. I don't mean tawdry viewing of domestic quarrels but rather the phenomena known as the 'Unplanned Toilet Peep...and stare' (this is quite different from the 'Planned Toilet Peep', which involves planning (clearly), dark clothes, a moonless night and some top end infrared goggles). I was reintroduced to the unplanned toilet peep and stare a few weeks ago, when leaving the house early in the wee hours. It was in my student years that I first discovered this facet of urban living. I stood outside my kitchen window, breathing in the fresh summer air when my gaze dropped down and right, into next doors yard, through their bathroom window and saw our neighbour, crouching the mahogony - as it were. So far so good, but what made this a proper UTP&S was that, at the exact same second I looked, and even as I was beginning to look away my neighbour lifted her gaze from her knees and our eyes met. Contact. And thus, whenever I saw her again - on the university campus, in the pub or in the shops (buying toilet paper) our eyes would meet and we would both be transported back to that unbroken gaze between toilet toiler and window peeper. Awkward, to say the least.
Fast forward back to the present and theres me leaving my flat early in the morning, glancing over at the neighbours flat (across our hall, through the window, across the street - its not like my face was pressed up against their window) and I happen to gaze into their well lit and uncurtained bathroom. And yes, theres the Danish husband straining away on the mug (as they say in Sweden), his ruddy face glowing, eyes bulging and, matinee performance, theres his wife - entering from the left - stark bloody naked, still steaming and pink from the shower - and yes, as I think about looking away, they both look up and our eyes meet. And now I see one, or both of them, in the street, car park or shop, all the bloody time. Thankfully, when they see me they tend to hurry away. Now, wheres my nightvision goggles?

In view of the recently released, and apparently, shite Nic Cage remake I actually got around to watching The Wicker Man (1973) (it took two evenings, and one of these involved watching it with the sound off and subtitles on (not because of the children incidently, K had her book circle chums around and I was not keen for them to overhear me listening to a very cheesy folk rock soundtrack)...anways, it was splendid, in the words of Ewar Woowar "oh God! oh Jesus Christ!". I note in the forum on this in the IMDB that a few folks were discussing the fact that Sgt. Howie goes without a fight - to me the point was that the paganism had won, and he was resigned to his fate as martyr. I really have to sort myself out and try and catch up on the new style of brutalist horror (i.e. Hostel, Hills have Eyes remake, severence etc) but I'm a bit of a wimp when it comes to the nasty stuff - the beginning of the Dawn of the Dead remake still haunts me now, Descent scared the shit out of me and when me and my mate M watched 28 days later we had to stop halfway through and have a nice cup of tea to cope with the shock.

You know you've been in Sweden for a while when #34: The use of 'oy' or 'oy oy oy'. For example, should you drop a pen, observe someone stumble (but not fall) or note an otherwise near nasty accident you say 'oy'. However, if its more serious (say, fumbling then dropping someones child, or being told that the petri dish you just licked did in fact contain a culture of very virulent botulism) then the use of 'oy oy oy' is considered more appropriate. Note that, should you use this in the presence of any greek orthodox jews they may think you are taking the piss and beat you with their payoths.

ScienceDirect - Search Results: TITLE-ABSTR-KEY(rectal AND massage):
"Termination of intractable hiccups with digital rectal massage
Annals of Emergency Medicine, Volume 17, Issue 8, August 1988, Page 872
Francis M Fesmire".......excellent, and using the same search terms I also got the following line from Anim. Reprod. Sci. 'High quality ejaculates (n=4) were collected from two Asian elephant bulls by rectal massage.'. Which lucky research student got volunteered for that task I wonder, and who held the bucket? Anyway, I got the cure of choice for hicups from New Scientist which also reminded me of something which, while a little bit less school boy humour, is still excellent nonetheless. Take a dictionary, in this case an English-Swedish-English one, and then look at the top of the pages where, hopefully, the first and last entry on the page are separated with a '-'......you then get such associations as:

wholefood-Wiener schnitzel
pullback-pungent
iguana-imbecility
dog biscuit - doomwatcher

Quite why this makes me laugh is anyones guess, but this is a game which could me occupied for minutes.

Pissed off with: The American show 'prison break'. 22 episodes I sat through of watching the tattooed Jason Schofield work on his tortourous, illogical and quite frankly unbelievable plan to get him and his brother out of prison. 22 fucking episodes, which is just short of a whole day of my life. Episode 22, we're escaping - check, massive plot holes (nothing new there)-check, starting to wind up loose strings - check....hold on a minute, cutting it a bit fine here, only 5 minutes left and theres still loads of stuff which needs to be explained, oh what, whats that you say....another 22 episodes of them, no longer in prison but now the run. No thanks, I'll consider 'Want ad-warpath', 'seduce-siezure' or a 'labial-lady' instead.

cool the stuff you learn from comic books - Balducci levitation - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia I got this from Y: The Last Man...most excellent, now to learn it, teach it to E and then get him to scare the hell out of his cousins.

Guardian Unlimited Comment is free We have turned Iraq into the most hellish place on Earth: "This country has been turned by two of the most powerful and civilised nations on Earth into the most hellish place on Earth. Armies claiming to bring democracy and prosperity have brought bloodshed and a misery worse than under the most ruthless modern dictator. This must be the stupidest paradox in modern history. Neither America nor Britain has the guts to rule Iraq properly, yet they lack the guts to leave.
Blair speaks of staying until the job is finished. What job? The only job he can mean is his own."

BBC NEWS Science/Nature Global ecosystems 'face collapse': "Current global consumption levels could result in a large-scale ecosystem collapse by the middle of the century, environmental group WWF has warned. "

shite and onions, as they say, no job with the corporate silver back which is Möller-Maersk, seems my antics in the last (second, no less) interview were enough to blow my chances out of the water, set them on fire and then attempt to put out the flames with petrol. This is an excerpt:

Interviewer: So, John, what do you know about supply chain management?
Me: Botty burp

and that about captures it perfectly.

Theres a recruitment fair in Malmö tomorrow so I'm off to that to see if there's any other fools I can humilate myself in front of (bitter? - no) and then me and the family are jetting off to Växjö for some of the weekend and then off to the summer house for the rest. Should be fun.

Observation of Swedish life #34: An ancient by-law means that it is legal to hunt and kill Danes if you are riding a pig, naked and armed with a badger. (but only on the first sunday of every month).
Reading: Moondust - brilliant series of interviews with the remaining moonwalkers - very cool, captures just how mad Apollo was. and, in Swedish, Spiderman and Bone.

The Americans are planning an ambitious attempt to go to the moon by 2020, all good stuff but from what I last read theres not actually any new money - its just a shuffling around of existing funds - and I guess the next administration will quietly shuffle the blueprints away. Never mind - the Swedes are going to the moon, and rather than just footprints (which is not the only thing the moonwalkers left by a long chalk, it includes: a golf club, poo, photographs, a feather, a laser beam reflector, descent stages (all used - no resale value), moon buggies, flags, plaques, golf balls, a record (not sure about this one), cameras and Nixon's signature) they intend to leave a small, traditional, red Swedish cottage.

Very quickly done, but it made me laugh. Theres tons of cool advertising stuff from the olden days here.

An Addendum to the last post, reading the comments proved to be somewhat interesting - particularly the quote ''She intelligently said 'Well, if it doesn't do you any good, it isn't going to do you any harm'. ', I'm still trying to figure that one out....like, ohh let me see, how does this dazzling logic perform to say, being shot in the face repeatly at point blank range which, clearly, will not do you any good. Don't get me started on the bones being healed from a distance.