The latest thing to annoy me is the subject of ear candles. Thats right, ear candles. And if you didn't hear me straight then pull that burning piece of bees wax out of your lug hole and listen up......you might have guessed that am I not totally supportive of this quackery. Firstly, if you don't know what an ear candle is then take a look here, here or here. And by now you should have got the idea of what you with them, and what they do. Apparently, the application is thusly. Insert candle in ear, lie on your side, light said candle. Now, pay attention - heres the science bit, the smoke from the candle curls down into your ear, heats the wax which is then drawn out by the suction created from the burning flame. After the process, the inner part of the candle stub can be opened to reveal the contents of your ears and other toxins which have been extracted. Well, my first comment candle boy is this (and I'll move my lips slowly so you understand) - its the 21st century. If you've got itchy ears, tinnutis or quivering vapors (or the 1000 other ailments which burning bees wax can apparently cure) then go and see a doctor. Honestly, just because something was practiced in the days of the ancient Chinese, North American Indians or the Greeks does not make it sound treatment. Whats next - Trepanning for a headache (see note below)? Anyway, assuming your still keen to suck wax out of your ears then here's a few experiments to try out. Seal your mouth over someones ear (either one, but make sure theres no hearing aid) and suck as hard as you can. You'll probably find that precisely nothing hits the back of your throat, although you may get a punch to the face if it was a passerby. Up the anti with a vacuum cleaner and, even though you'll probably rupture your eardrum you'll probably still have zero earwax. And you still think the suction of a mighty candle, burning with precisely one candle power, is going to haul out of your ear one of the stickiest substances your body can produce? And, incidently, its there for a reason. Check out quackwatch, always a voice of reason on these matters. But, if you're feeling very itchy and theres no friendly Hopi indians around bedecked with candles I suggest jamming a John Player Special in each ear, that should get any fucker out.

And yes, I did check, apart from being an obscure swear word there appears to be no market in arse candles though I did find butt candles.


Note - Trepanning.

So of course, I had to take a look. And stumbled across several rather unpleasant sites all dealing with the art of drilling holes in your head. However, before we deal with those I suggest a quick trip to Trepanning, which is the worlds first 12 dimensional settlement, somewhere in Cornwall.
This is inspired stuff and much better reading, and far funnier, than the horrors which lurk on other sites googled for about Trepanning. The story of modern Trepanning apparently begins with a nutty Dutch doctor who decided life would be more bearable if he drilled holes in his head, not only conducting this on himself, he also convinced other people to follow suit. His memoir is called 'Bore Hole' (I assure you, this is not a wind up) and he, unsuprisingly, was attempting to reach a permanent high... if you read the stomach churning accounts of this flying dutchmans attempts to drill a hole in his own head (a sentence you don't see so often) you find the fantastic line '...took a tab of LSD to steady his nerves and set to in earnest'. Fucking madness. Except it does not end there, visit the site of the International Trepanation Avodacy Group and you'll read accounts of other morons happily drilling their heads to find feelings of serenity. Whats the words I'am looking for, oh yeah, bunch of dangerous fucking lunatics. Hippies with drills. twats.